random thoughts in me head :p
uhhh...i dunno how to start this off its 3 am and im up thinking of a lot of things, some serious...some not.. :p
ive been in the dumps recently with my mood...like my heart feels heavy and I just feel sad all the time...like on the verge of tears. i dont rlly know why. i hung out with my partner today after not seeing them since fall semester and I just crode in the middle of our hang out💔... i didnt have a reason too either, i felt like i was having a good time until i felt my lips tug downwards + started crying out of no where lol. but AY! my make didnt smudge at all though! like it stayed in place so...yknow what W.
then after gal meets or hanging out with friends or like events of any kind...i also get kinda sad. like at the end of the day I start feeling sad that I have to leave...or I think "what if this is the last time i see them again" kinda deal. like i feel like everytime I go out, that it'll be my last. then outside of meeting up with people...i dont rlly talk to anyone. like i chat with people every once in a while, and the convo's either last 5 min or im left on read/delivered for hours/days. so most of the time outside of doing schoolwork/studying, i feel lonely like...oh my god i really cant connect with others, should i just die? serisouly whats wrong with me... LOL.. so gal meets or meeting up with ppl is like the only time i rlly get to talk with others.
so in order to distract myself that i dont rlly have connections with others or just those relationships r sorta fragile to me, i just play Roblox + VRchat. because I also get to talk with others on there, plus it helps with me talking, like i dont have to worry about my speech impediment slip-ups. I can't rlly pronounce my R's so yknow, had to go to speech therapy for so long cuz of it💔. like yeah ppl point it out on those sites, but like...it doesnt rlly bother me cuz its online? like i cant see u say it, and i dont know u irl, we will forget about each other once this game ends. plus playing those games r rlly fun, some of my best memories are in those games.
am i sad cuz im sorta lonely? i mean maybe, i've always been lonely is the thing, so idk whats so different now? prob because im getting older....darn💔 i dont rlly expect things to change
im almost done with community college tho, one more semester left. im very nervous.... because once im done, i have to start studying for my TEAS exam, take it in the winter or spring + hope i pass... then start applying to schools for fall/spring. I'm looking into schools in the LA area because I have a place to stay there, but im also nervous about moving out...im going to miss my room a lot...everything else not so much LOL! but my room...it has an awesome layout and small. but the benefit of moving out into my new place is that...its my own(sorta!). I hope I'm allowed to learn how to drive soon, maybe this year I'll be able too because winter break and im going to be 21. though im always told im never getting a car of my own because if i want one i have to pay for it and like...with what money? like after im done with schooling and get a job is what they always tell me....💔 so public transport will be my bff when i go to nursing school.
I hope the people and the professors are nice in nursing school, i hear that a lot of people aren't. which makes me nervous...like we dont have to like one another but can we at least be nice to each other? we are all going to go through super hard classes with long hours...the least we can do is be nice, the world always says we need more nurses! no need to "weed out" the "weak!" everyone should be wanted...no need for competitiveness or petty stuff please...we are all working for the same goal of treating others. please lets be kind to one another💔🙏
im thinking of going to Victoria Gardens or Ontario Mills to buy my school supplies, my lead pencils always break after every semester, like im for real, for my very last exam last semester...my lead pencil JAMMED! and i had to take out the lead and write with the lead...it was an essay exam SOBS that just made my stomach hurt💔like betryal... BUT i want cute pencils cuz they are cheap but still sucks eugh💔 then notebooks + highlighters cuz my chiikawa ones already dried up... then i need to buy those blue-light glasses (though why are they so UGLY?? EUGHHH), + focus patches.
i need more dandadan merch! my local mall has bootleg merch...but they only have tiny bootleg figures of momo + okarun that are 59$ EACH!! NOT WORTH IT!!
someday,, i hope imogen heap does an in-person concert :3, idc where its at, I WILL...attend it. I need to see her perform live before I die, I am not kidding. she did her last performance in 2019 in San Francisco... like bro are u kidding me???💔 idk..her music keeps me going, ik she's gotten more popular since because of A New Kind of Love and Headlock(as of recent), like please....this is your time💔 been loving her music since 2020 when that A New Kind of Love remix came out during that time, I think its called moment??? yes
deltarune chapters 3 & 4 are releasing this year! HELL YEAHHH!!!!
making plans for Anime Expo...my first anime convention oh my...im going to cosplay as Turbo Granny + Momo from Dandadan(doing gal make for them DUHH) + then dress normally (in gal lol!) the other 2 days. i invited cindy to come along, hopefully plans go through🙏 we will most likely hang out with jacey and the rest of nyanbaba? and hopefully i can meet other gals at anime expo :D
uhh thats all i have in my head rn, sorry this is a random post, just yapping!!!!!
I definitely relate to some of the feelings you've shared here. I went through the same when I was your age and tbh that feeling of lingering sadness and loneliness doesn't really go away. I've talked to my therapist about it in the past and basically she told me it's normal to miss people and feel alone sometimes. Everyone feels that way at some point. The important thing is to look at your "alone" time in a different way. Once you start to enjoy spending time with yourself and using it as an opportunity to learn about yourself you embrace that alone space and it doesn't feel sad or lonely anymore. It took me quite a few years to reach that point but now I love being by myself and I no longer need to fill my alone time with chatting to strangers or seeking out superficial friendships. Fully accepting this time as my own lets me appreciate my time with friends even more. It takes time and getting used to but you'll get there!
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